The parents’ initial state of shock and numbness may help them through the first few days or even weeks and they may give the impression that they are coping very well when, in fact, they may not have yet begun to face the reality of their baby’s death.

This state is usually followed by a period of great anguish. Parents are often very frightened by their grief reactions. They describe difficulty in sleeping, nightmares; imagine hearing and seeing their baby, pain in the chest and arms, strong positive or negative sexual feelings, nausea and feelings of panic, fear and isolation. They need reassurance that all these are normal symptoms of grieving and that they will, in time, pass. There may be loss of appetite, heavy drinking or smoking and some parents may have thoughts of suicide.

Frequently parents find that they cannot talk to each other, or to those close to them, about the baby and this is where a supportive GP and/or Health Visitor can be very helpful, giving an opportunity to the parents to talk separately about their feelings. Fathers, in particular, may bottle up emotions unless they are encouraged to express them.

It is a good idea to refer the family to the Scottish Cot Death Trust for support at this early stage, as the earlier help can be provided, the more likely they are to make a better emotional recovery.

As the grieving process continues depression can sometimes occur, leaving the parents with feelings of tiredness, failure and worthlessness. Recovery comes very gradually, although there will still be painful anniversaries to cope with and the loss will always be there.